"Happy Birthday Meg" love, God.

as i sit here drinking my coffee ( decaff)  and listening to the sounds of the dishwasher, i am struck by the serenity that has become my life.
 no more inner turmoil, no more anxiety.
simply.life.

On sunday during worship we sang a song that i love so dearly, " Jesus, I my cross have taken."
I remember last year when this song was my lifeline,  verse 3 was my hearts cry. every time we sang it in church my heart was so anguished i would cry.. these words, they have become a healing balm..a promise. hope.

Go, then, earthly fame and treasure!
Come, disaster, scorn, and pain!
In Thy service, pain is pleasure;
With Thy favor, loss is gain.
I have called Thee Abba, Father!
I have stayed my heart on Thee.
Storms may howl, and clouds may gather,
All must work for good to me.


as we sang this verse on sunday, my heart cried out with rejoicing... " i have stayed my heart on thee. Storms may howl, and clouds may gather, All must work for good to me."  I have stayed my heart on Him, and through all that i have been going through this last year, He remained faithful. My eyes, my focus, my heart. He has captured it all.
    And so my heart rejoices in that truth. In that healing. In that wholeness. In His peace I have found joy and completion like no other and I know with confidence that no matter what tomorrow brings, it is going to be alright.

And that, my friends, is the best feeling.

.. thank you Lord for this wonderful birthday present.

december means..

Its getting to be that time of year again...
 my favorite time of year...
DECEMBER
december is full of all the best things, why, you may ask?
because december means my birthday
december means christmas.
december means friday nights spent watching  favorite christmas movies with friends
december means shopping for those i love best and finding the perfect gift for them
december means cold nights and crisp days
december meas the hint and promise of snow
december means late nights spent wrapping gifts and whispered conversations  under the twinkle of the christmas tree lights
december means dozens christmas cookies to share
december means love abounding.

for always december has been a favorite month of mine.
its magical.
the whole month.
from the twinkling christmas lights on every corner to the air of expectancy and excitement.
it might be weird, but i see God in it all,  and i get so excited about celebrating the birth of His son.


what does december mean to you?

Child-Like excitement.

     This weekend I got reacquainted with my inner child..

For the first time in a long time i've been able to play dress up...

Normally i don't get that excited about Halloween, but this year, this year  I was feeling it.

       So I decided to go all out.

  After much contemplation I decided to go as Amelie Poulain from Amelie, 

        one of my favorite films.

I feel a comrade with this character, and I liked the challenge of how she looks nothing like me

I, with my long blond hair and blue/grey( occasionally green) eyes

and Her, with her dark brown eyes and dark short hair.

       I welcomed the challenge and stepped up to the plate. After much research I finally found dark brown contacts. You would not believe how hard it was to find dark brown contacts... but in true Meghan fashion I did not relent until I found the exact color contact that I wanted. I also found a great wig that I modified to look like Amelie's hair and the results looked like this.

My church also had a trunk or treat , and I helped out by painting faces. It also afforded me the chance to wear yet another costume.   This time I kept it a little more simple and just bought a pair of fairy wings. 

In true New England fashion, we were expecting a snow storm later that evening so I had to get creative in order to keep myself warm and the results looked like this.

this is me with my little friend Anna. She gets super excited every time she sees me and runs towards me with her arms wide open for a hug... pretty apparent why she's quickly become a favorite :-)

Anna's mom, my dear friend Christy invited me to go trick or treating with her and Anna due to the fact that Christy would be watching a friends daughter who close in age to Anna and she concerned about taking the 2 out alone.  I, of course, jumped at the chance for another excuse to put on a costume.

I decided to keep the the wings but go for something with a little more pizzaz and ended up looking more like Barbie fairy than actual fairy, but I still liked it.

this is us all dressed up and ready to go get some free candy!!!

Anyway, all that to say that the last few days have been some of the best days because I have been creating and playing and just enjoying life. 

I was made for this.

Almost everyday I experience something that makes me think " I was made for this" and its such an awesome experience. I feel like everything I have been going through this past year has made me ready for this; this self-discovery of who I am. 

And I thank God daily for it.

                                                                                    

sleep.

I've been concerned lately, with all the changes going on in my life; new job, new house, my schedule has been up in the air and changing daily. but one thing i have started to notice is how much i have been sleeping..
 and i hate it.
i sleep all the time.
i am tired so much.
what happened to me? i used to be able to be full steam with just 6 or 7 hours and now i can barely get my butt out of bed.
its scaring me.
because its got me wondering.
could i be depressed?
all this tiredness, this sullen feeling?
all these great things are happening in my life, and i should be so excited over all of them. but have i lost my excitement?
where is my Joy
where is my heart?
i'll admit i've strayed. my heart isn't hidden in Christ the way it needs to be.
Could this be God calling me back? all these tears? all these longings for something more?

sometimes i just really really need a good hug.

How i almost became the parent of a 15 year old.

In my last post i mentioned the possibility of me becoming a foster parent to a 15 year old girl,
she is a wonderful young lady who desperately needs a stable parent figure and home. i have been working with her for almost a year now as a therapeutic mentor. So when things seemed like they were going south in getting her placed in a foster home i felt compelled to speak up and offer my home.

      Her social worker jumped on it and was very enthusiastic about the possibility, so we talked about possible red flags and anything that might hinder approval and much to my surprise i got the all clear pretty quickly.

      This all happened in a matter of moments and so i left the meeting almost feeling like i was spinning because a mere 30 minutes prior i was a single 26 year old without a care in the world and 30 minutes later i may have just signed up to be a parent to a teenager.

    That is a LOT of change in a very SHORT amount of time. but i knew that if God really put this on my heart than i could handle it. but man was it a scary thought!

the only thing standing in the way was my job. as a therapeutic mentor i wasn't sure if i could legally switch from being a clients mentor to being their foster parent. ( we have a lot of confidentiality clauses to keep both the clients and myself safe.)
  So Friday morning i found myself asking my supervisor if i could, legally, become her foster parent.  sadly the answer to that question was no, and i felt a little tug of sadness at the thought, because i had started to really warm to the idea.   i knew that God had things under control and in the end things ended up working out for her other foster home and hopefully in a few weeks we will be transitioning her from a group home to permanent foster home! which is so very very exciting.

but this was the story of how i ALMOST became a single parent of a teenager.

do i have what it takes?

do i have what it takes to be the parent of a 15 year old girl?

because if i do,
i know a 15 year old girl that is in desperate need of a parent.

i don't know if i could do this, if i could make it work, but her social worker is a fan.

so many variables, living situations, job situations, financial obligations, the rest of my life...

so many thoughts to ponder...

shoulda, coulda, woulda.

today i have been missing you, and i think its because of the weather,
    its reminding me of the end, of those last few weeks, when i was trying so desperately hard to hold onto something i knew i had already lost. looking back i wish i had been strong enough on august 16 to break up with you. because thats when i knew we were broken, and that staying together couldn't fix that. i look back and think that if i had just listened then, maybe things could have been different now. maybe we would have been able to be better friends and be more involved in each others lives. i don't know, but i do know it would have been easier on us both. i hate living with regret and this is my biggest. i think its funny that i don't regret our break-up, i regret that we didn't break-up sooner, and more accurately that i didn't break-up with you. and its simply because i wonder what life would be like now had i listened. that is my biggest problem. i want what i want when i want it and nothing can dissuade me from it... i know this is a problem so don't worry too much, i'm working on it.
         I find it interesting that i am feeling this way. i've come so far in the last year, at one point i thought i was never going to be able to move on... i had given up hope. i figured that i would just have to spend the rest of my days as a sad pathetic girl who couldn't move on from her ex...i had resigned myself to my fate, and in that resignation i found my redemption. in giving up i was able to move on in ways i never imagined. i accepted where i was, and that it didn't matter how much i tried to pretend, i wasn't 'ok,'.  then one morning i woke up with this simple thought in my brain, " and just like that she's done". i have no clue how i got here, but the important part is that i did. its been alternately painful, eye-opening, tearful, wonderful, exhilarating, scary, sometimes seeming to drag on longer than forever and at others passing in the blink of an eye.  Its been both the best and worst year of my life. the best because i learned to embrace the lessons, see God as fully sovereign, and let go. the worst because i had to learn to not only let go, but give up control. surrender- not my favorite, but i learned to embrace it.
   i doubt i am ever going to publish this post, it was meant to be just for me, to clear up some mental space... to get these foreign thoughts out of my head... not for public consumption. i feel better already. i find i'm not missing you anymore, after getting all my thoughts and feelings down on 'paper" . thats how it is with me, if don't speak out these kind of thoughts, if i keep them cooped up inside my brain they tend to fester and knot... leaving me with a giant gooey disgusting mess that can turn into a complete meltdown...
 its nice to finally feel free.
  

And yet my heart longs for you

its been almost a year;
 incase you were wondering...
 and i find myself confused.
everything i know,
every thing i have learned,
every prayer i've prayed
has told me that this is good,
that this is right.
that this is how its supposed to be.
i am happier without you
i am more at peace with you gone
i am stronger without your arms

yet.

my heart still longs for your heart.

and i don't understand, because i don't want YOU.

caught in the whirlwind.

 Have you ever felt like life takes you not only by surprise, but almost by a whirlwind?
  that has been my life lately.

phew.

 i feel like i haven't been able to catch my breath in weeks, its exciting and scary all at the same time.
Everything that is familiar in my life is changing..

my job and where i live.

i'm not moving far, because i love the area where i am living, but this new place is such a blessing and a Godsend that i can hardly believe it.
   I find myself growing sentimental as i am preparing to leave the apartment where i have been living for the past 15 months.  Its full of some of the best memories, and honestly some of the worst. Its crazy to think of all the life thats been lived here and how now we're  just packing it all up and moving. I'm excited to move, i definitely feel that the time is right, but wow.

  I am also leaving starbucks,  where i have worked for the past 16 months. This is sad, because i love my coworkers and i love my customers, but i am really looking forward to going full time as a therapeutic mentor and getting more sleep :-)  those 3:20 a.m wake up times were getting old.
 i have 3 closing shifts and 3 opening shifts left and then its over.
 its hard to say goodbye, but its time.

it still almost doesn't feel real.. but its happening.

If i die young.

My title is from a song by The Band Perry, and i feel its appropriate to post a few other lyrics so that you all don't think my post is morbid in thought.

" if i die young bury me in satin
lay me down on a bed of roses
sink me in the river at dawn
send me away with the words of a love song

the sharp knife of a short life
well, i've had just enough time."

i love that line " well, i've had just enough time" for the first time, i  feel that way. i've had enough time. Life is great, and i look forward to another 50+ years on this earth, but if not, well, i've had just enough time.
i hope that doesn't seem morbid to you.

Heaven beckons, and for the first time i long for heaven, the good life worshipping God for all eternity.
Granted i have a list a mile long of things i would like to do before my time here on earth is up.
but its not the end all and the be all.
   Its freeing, this feeling of completion. of letting go. i'm no longer anxious for all the things i've yet to do and may never get to.


well friends, have a happy monday and i hope you don't feel that this post is morbid because its filled me with so much excitement.

life. decaffeinated.

its been awhile.
 no new food posts, no new posts about random things.
simply silence.
yet my life hasn't been silent.
its been anything but...

I feel as though my life has been loud lately; loud, excitable, crazy, unpredictable, creative and full of love.
so full of love that i just might burst from the goodness of it.

i gave up caffeinated coffee sometime in march, i used to count the weeks, but somewhere along the way it just didn't seem all that important anymore. then last week i stopped drinking even decaff coffee on a regular basis... yep, me; the person that used to say: " i will never love a man the way i love my morning coffee".
  its strange almost, to realize that person is gone now... that i'm someone completely different, yet the same.
it feels good. this peace inside.
it gives me a strength and confidence i didn't know i had, or even had to potential to possess.
 it excites me, this change. because i know that God is working, and that i am open to this growth...
to be tender and teachable is all that i want, but i know how stubborn i can be at times...
its a slow process for sure, but, exciting.
everyday is an adventure, and i wake up each morning in anticipation of it...

full of love

sometimes i forget that God created me special.
Sometimes i forget that i'm not the same as everybody else.
Thats the problem with being and individual in a cooker cutter world, sometimes its easier to " fit in" and be like everyone else than it is to stand out.
     Standing out can be scary.
But blending in can become to tiring.
Life has been really great lately, and i've been learning tons and tons of new things, but i have also just been feeling weary, and i couldn't put my finger on why.

Yesterday at church i was speaking with a man who has an unusual profession, its all about healing holistically and finding energy spots. which would seem to be a bit new age-y and weird if he didn't also have a strong back round as a pastor.  Its a belief that God made our bodies special, and that there are energy pathways that sometimes get disconnected. Some of his success stories include helping people who have been in a coma for 26 years regain motion and speech,  think of it as physical therapy without the physical part. its a more complete form of healing. He is also a very intuitive person, something i think you have to be in that field, and he is trained as a massage therapist which gives him insight into the muscular structure and how it works.

   Basically all that to say this, in chatting with him i made the off-handed comment about how much i loved and adored my brother and his fiance, and he turned to me and simply said, " yes, i can see that." " you are full of it" and i asked " full of what?" to which he replied " full of love" " you are full of it, its what you're made of. People are lucky to have you as a friend"

  and i almost started crying right there. because i feel so often insecure about my friendships, and that people only spend time with me because i pursue them...i've never thought to myself, wow that so and so is lucky to have a friend like me. i've always thought, man, i wish i were a better friend.  i wish  i loved more.  And then it dawned on me... i know i am filled with love. i love deeply, quickly and for forever. but i have spent the last few years building up walls, to prevent me from loving, to prevent me from hurting, to keep me safe. and its making me weary.

 If God created me to love, than what am i doing trying not to love?

i want to get to the place where i love without thought of return, that i love without fear of hurt. I believe that i can love without getting hurt if i look at and love people through true expectations. I'm sure this doesn't make much sense, but to me it makes so much.  I have been wasting tons of time and energy trying to be something i'm not.

 and that needs to stop.

Hard and painful truths told with love don't hurt as bad

this post isn't about food. its simply about my brain, and the thoughts going on inside of it currently.

 Its been an unbelievably long week, painfully slow at some points, and moving too fast at others. Its been incredibly mental for me. I've spent a lot of time in contemplation and reflection. Learning about oneself is never easy. Top it with a work week of about 50+ hours and we're lucky i didn't have a nervous breakdown; although i have found that life without caffeinated coffee = no mental breakdowns for Meg.
   This week a friend had the courage to confront me on being over dramatic, and not in a good way. She basically said that it was hindering my ability to build relationships with people, and that many people have actually discussed this flaw about me in negative light. ( i never knew) I know that i  am a dramatic person. i don't feel things in halves... i either love or hate, there is no middle ground for me. But this area of extremes spills in other ways apparently as well. Making it very hard for people to gauge my reactions to certain things. So in short, most people are afraid to talk to me about tough things because they worry i might react poorly.

this bothers me.

 i want to be the kind of person to build good and lasting relationships and if people feel like they can't talk to me, then there is a problem.
 I'm not going to lie, when i first heard this i was pretty hurt, and i may have wanted to cry. But i didn't, and i asked her to cite examples and people so that i could better understand how to temper my reactions, because; simply put; i don't/didn't see it.  That was a rough few minutes for me as she listed some of the people i love and trust the most and even a few wild cards i didn't know she knew. Then she really dropped the bomb, and told me  "and _________ even said "" if she doesn't fix that no guy is ever going to want her" wow, just... wow.
 Interestingly enough, due to the extremes in my personality, this comment hurt, but didn't leave a lasting sting or pain. It made sense in my brain, and while i don't feel that that statement is entirely correct, i see the logic in it.

So, its been an introspective week, add to that all the extra hours at work and you can imagine i've been a bit worn out. God has been amazing through all of this, allowing me to hear these things and react properly, openly and willing to embrace change. He has also opened up my mental space and my anxiety is so much better now that i know what it is and can address it by name when it strikes. My creativity is back and that is something to dance about. For so long all of my extra mental space has been wrapped up in anxiety that i haven't been able to visualize anything creative. Part of me has felt like i am slowly dying as i've had this need to create and no vision. It feels like a physical weight has been lifted off of my shoulders, and i know it can only be God. I  can physically see the changes He has been making in me the last few weeks, and am excited that this is only the beginning...

Sometimes hearing the hard stuff is painful in the moment but oh so worth it in the end.

Tarts, Cream Pies, Tur-duck-hen and life lessons.

 Easter this year was pretty significant..
 it was only my second without my parents, my first being when i lived in texas and i opted to go down to mexico and work in an orphanage for the weekend to ease the loneliness.
this year it was just the kids, us up here, and i think we did a fairly smashing job.
Justin's lady love Jill was gracious enough to host, and provided a lovely Tur-duck-Hen ( chicken inside a duck inside a turkey) sound like heaven? cause it was.

* side note, one of the few ways to my heart is turkey ( not lunchmeat turkey) but roasted turkey.  God gave my mentor a word for me a few months ago and He actually used a turkey as the example in it because 1) He knew how much i love them and knew i would know it was from Him and 2) i had never told my Mentor my thoughts or deep love of turkey. it was a simple word, but affirming and well timed, but i digress.

 My job, as per usual for family meals was the dessert.
 i am tired of being a one note, and while i love that everyone loves my apple pies and cheesecake, i've been bored, so i decided to branch out..

       I decided to make a fresh fruit tart and a chocolate cream pie. Both something i had never attempted.
 i would post the recipe's, but since i didn't deviate from them at all they aren't mine to claim.
 but i just did an internet search and used Paula Dean's fresh fruit Tart recipe and allrecipes.com for the chocolate cream pie.

      For those of you wanting to do the chocolate cream pie, a word of warning when baking your pie crust. remember to weigh it down before putting it in the oven. i did not and was surprised to find a very puffy crust with the sides all scrunched down. with that being said, also don't put pie dough onto a hot pie plate. this also causes severe complications. Even with those little missteps i forged ahead and feel that i provided my awaiting public with a very yummy chocolate dessert. although i feel that the next time i make it i would like to make the whipped cream chocolate as well.

    For those of you wanting to make a tart but don't have a tart pan,  please don't fret, i simply used my springform pan and it turned out wonderfully. i loved it and feel that its something i will make again and again. i do feel like i might switch up the fruit used, just to keep things fresh.

So it was with full bellies and full hearts we spent our easter, basking in the beautiful sunshine God had provided and reminiscing on where life had taken us in the past year. God has been so good to all of us, we are a lucky group. We've found community, love, hope, future. Its wonderful to tangibly see where God has been changing us and of the personal and communal growth of us as a family and friends. I think back to a year ago and i would have never been brave enough to attempt a tart, or a cream pie for that matter, but i've become more brave.. not just in my baking, but in every aspect of life. Last easter i was still living in fall river, so far away from my family and good community. i was lonely, sad and hurting. This year i am surrounded by good community, good friends and my family. I am happy, healthy, and actively engaging in my life. Every day i live life in the present, something i have only just now learned to do. There is something beautiful in the revelation that i am actively living out God's exact will for my life. that there is nothing missing, nothing i messed up. Everything IS as it should be...

so friends tell me about your life, where you are, where you want to be and what i can do to help you get where you want to be.

   

Hurry up and cook.

Last week i volunteered to make a meal for a lady i know due to the fact that she recently had surgery and isn't allowed to walk on her foot, which makes cooking for her family very difficult.
 This is not unusual for me, i am signed up at my church  to help out with meals if needed.

My problem last week was that i was simply uninspired to cook.
i was floundering and time was ticking. Finally i decided to throw together a lasagna and call it a day.
its simple, its filling and you can't really go wrong with cheese. But as i was driving to pick up the ingredients i realized  i was not in the mood to cook a lasagna either. OH MAN! whatever am i going to do now? with time ticking down and no food to make i was thinking a takeout pizza was going to be all i could offer. Luckily as i was pulling up to the market i decided to make a meatloaf.

Now i know what you are all thinking.. who makes meatloaf anymore? well  i do. Its one of life's best comfort foods and if done correctly completely savory.

so here is what i did.
i looked up an easy recipe on Allrecipes.com and proceeded to modify :

1 1/2 lbs ground beef ( i like to get 97%)
1 egg
1/2 large onion finely chopped ( recipe calls for 1 onion)
1 cup milk
1 cup dried bread crumbs
salt & pepper to taste
* now here is where i started to deviate
dried oregano to taste
dried basil to taste
a couple of shakes of dried mustard
smidge of ground cloves ( very little, but i like the taste)
knowing me i also added a few shakes of garlic powder but i don't remember
* if you are feeling creative this is the time to bust out the big guns and substitute the dried basil and oregano for fresh and then add a few good splashes of your favorite hot sauce for spice.

for the topping:
mix together
1/3 cup ketchup
2 tablespoons brown sugar
2 teaspoons dried mustard.
mix well and put on the last 10 mins of baking or you can put it on for the whole hour, but i like it a little moist.

preheat the oven to 350 and cook for an hour.

as a side i made rosemary potato's. super simple, super yummy.

Diced  red potato's ( the amount is up to you, so the rest of the recipe is purely by sight)
rosemary
olive oil
salt.

put the diced potato's in a sturdy ziplock bag, add the olive oil ( roughly 1 1/2 tablespoons) you want the potatos well coated but not greasy. add in the rosemary and salt to taste. give the bag a good couple of shakes, check to see if the potatos look well covered in rosemary,  add more if needed and then let sit for at least 10 minutes to absorb the flavors.
these can also be cooked for about an hour at 350. throw them on a baking pan and in the oven right along side the meatloaf.

If you are like me then you love dessert and no meal is complete without it.
a simple option is an Apple Pie.
 and i will share my apple pie recipe with you all. this recipe is simple, yet every person that tries it says its the best apple pie they've ever had. i'm not sure what makes it that way, but its been tested again and again and never comes up wanting.

grab some pie crust from the market ( why make your own if you are low on time?)
6-7 granny smith apples, peeled, cored and sliced
1 cup sugar ( usually i do 2/3 brown, 1/3 white) i also usually put in a little under a cup.
2 tablespoons flour
1 teaspoon cinnamon plus a few good shakes
dash of nutmeg ( double dash if you love it like me)
dash of salt.
2 tablespoons butter diced.

mix all your dry ingredients in a large mixing bowl, i usually shake them ( tastes better) then add your apples and mix together.
 in a 9 inch pie pan roll out 1 pie crust, pile the apple mixture into it, place the diced butter all around and then put the other pie crust on top, pinching the edges with your pointer and thumb and putting 4 slits on the top for ventilation. sprinkle with large sugar ( i use sugar in the raw) just a smidge though.
 bake at 400 for 50 mins or until its a nice golden brown and you can hear it bubbling on the inside.
let cool and enjoy.

This meal got rave reviews from the family and even turned a non apple pie person into an apple pie lover so i hope you all enjoy!

Baking is how i think.

If hair is my creative outlet, then baking is how i think.
 Last spring when i was unemployed and trying to figure out my life, i did more baking than i ever had.
It became my 'thing' ; how i coped with the massive amounts of stress, failure, confusion and depression i was combating.  Before i started my baking spree i think i spent 4 or 5 straight days in my black leggings, never leaving the house, just simply sitting on the couch for days on end wondering what in the world i was going to do.

then i entered my chocolate baking phase:
 
Friends, i have found that there is nothing more soothing than standing over the stove melting chocolate to put in brownies, or a melt in your mouth chocolate cake, or a cheesecake or anything else that piqued my fancy. standing there smelling the soothing aroma's of that chocolate made me believe that i could achieve anything i attempted.

so on i went into the cheesecake phase:

 interestingly enough my attempts at cheesecake actually didn't start out as well as i had hoped.  I had been known up to that point for the pumpkin swirl cheesecake with a gingersnap crust i would make at thanksgiving and/or christmas. But i wanted to branch out, i wanted to be better. and my first attempt at a blueberry cheesecake failed. oh my how it failed. in texture, flavor ( too sweet) just everything. but i didnt let that stop me. i started experimenting with a chocolate swirl cheesecake with a chocolate crust. success! once again i felt like maybe i would make it, maybe i would survive

as i was going through all of these baking experiences i was also looking for jobs, an hour and a half from where i was currently living, so that i could move north. to be closer to my brothers and closer to the church i had come to love. the whole task was completely daunting. but i had known that close to my brothers was where i wanted to be, and i was going to take advantage of this opportunity to make to move.
    I feel that i was saved from complete insanity by a handful of great people that really came along side  and helped me out. first off was my lovely friend Nichole who lived right down the street and was gracious enough to share her life with me for the few months we lived so close. our weekly walks with her son may have been my only saving on some days.
    Also in the mix was my current roommate Alicia, who was plugging away up northing trying to find a place for us to live that was within our budget. Words cannot begin to express how much of a rockstar she has been in my life and the gratitude i feel towards her. She is, simply put, an amazing woman and i'm grateful for her in my life.
 Thirdly i had a friend who kept me entertained; at times daily, via Facebook messages of just the most random, hilarious things. those messages were something to look forward too, a bright spot amidst the moving boxes, the stress of job searching, the depression of having no job and the overall overwhelmingness of it all.
The three of them became my lifeline, my connection to the outside world. a reason to actually get dressed and not wear the same thing i had been wearing for days on end. and at times they gave me the swift kick in the butt that i needed to keep myself in forward motion. and forward motion i kept. i did get a job, 3 in fact and i did move, to the most amazing of apartments and the life i live here is so vastly different of the life i had down on the south shore. But the one thing i have kept is my baking, but now i bake when i am happy, i baked when my heart was breaking and i didn't know what else to do, i bake now when i am content. simply put; now i bake. 


Now when i bake i know that whatever problem i may have, what ever issues i have rattling around inside my brain, i will have an answer by the time i'm finished baking. and not only an answer but also a delicious treat to reward me.

 what do you use to think? to clear your head? to look at your problems from another perspective?

Wedding Crashing.

Today I crashed a wedding for the very first time... 
and i think the best part about it, is the fact that i had no idea i was going to go to the wedding until 40 mins before it started.  My Omi ( grandmother in german) called me up and asked me to go.  Now to fully understand the context of this, it would be helpful for you to know that my Omi lives an hour and 40 mins away. so we rarely get to see each other and she has been asking me to cut her hair for her for about a month now, but i have been too busy to make my usual trek down to her house.  Now the wedding she was at ended up being about 5 minutes from where i live so i told her yesterday to give me a call if she had time in between the ceremony and the reception and i could come pick her up, show her my apt and if there was time give her a haircut.
 But she one-uped me and called me this afternoon at 2:20 and told me to come to the wedding ( i actually know the couple getting married so it wasn't a complete crash) so i quickly threw on a dress and went. then after the ceremony ( i had to intention of going to the reception un invited) i absconded with my Omi to show her my apartment and give her a quick haircut and style so that she could arrive at the reception in style. 
  My Omi is an amazing woman, if i could be half the woman that she is i would consider myself lucky. she is 81 and still has so much energy. Not only that but she is a good woman, an amazing cook and loves Jesus so very much. She is mother to 6 children and raised them well, all the while struggling to learn a second language in a foreign country. i am so blessed to have her as an example in my life, and to be able to spend the time that i get with her. i should make more of an effort than i do. i should.
     so that has been my sunday, a bit unexpected and a lot of fun. i started out the morning by reading in 1 Corinthians 13. " Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails"    Man, wow, i feel like every time i read that passage its a good solid slap across the face.  Reminding me of how i need to be living and treating others. I see it so exemplified in my Omi and my mom and i want to be like them. i want to love like they do. fully, without reserve, without thought of self gain or anything like that.
God is doing big things, big things and its got me excited.

not about hair

thats not completely true...
   i fixed my holiday by putting in 3 back to back slices ( foils of solid hair, not woven) of bright red.. or for fellow hairstylists 6RB and 6RV mixed, but only with 5 volume so its not going to stick around.
 i'm also sure there are only a handful of people who understood what i just wrote. i talk in weird numbers and letters, this  i understand, but those closest to me have come to understand this language and know what i'm talking about if i refer to a level 7 red, or a level 8 blond and even know about volumes, beveling, over direction, and a whole slew of other terms.  I feel thats the mark of a good friendship, making what's important to your friends important to you.
  how many times have i learned about the most random, unuseful things just so i can have a real conversation with a friend? i've lost count. i put value in my friends, and therefor what is valuable to them becomes so to me. 
its not always easy, or fun, but i've found that its so worth it, because it gives common ground, that starting point... 
      i've found that cultivating good friendships take work, and its hard to put that work in if the friendships have previously been effortless and yet kept at the very surface. always talking about funny, laughable things, never ever any real common ground... making that switch is hard... sometimes painful, and sometimes you lose a friend because they don't want to put in that kind of effort.  
       I'm past the point in my life where i want a lot of friends... i just simply want good friends, and i'm unwilling to put up with surface friends, people that are only around for the good times, the laughs, the easy.   I want the friends that get in the trenches with me, down on their knees with me... fighting..praying.. crying... folks i'm a cryer, and if i can't cry in front of you, then there is something seriously wrong.
     i think people are afraid of being vulnerable, and i understand that, i get that.. i'm there, been there, living there, bought a lot of property there. i hate to be vulnerable. but i must! i must or else i die. just to be dramatic with you for a moment. it goes against my very nature, against all my self preservation... and i'm learning to fight it, because if i expect vulnerability from my friends... i must in return be...
 these are my thoughts.

Blogging is as blogging does.

this sight began as a way to keep track of all the friends of mine who have started blogging. 
i enjoy reading about their lives and since i wanted to follow them, this blog came with the deal.
well, i thought it came with the deal. i was trying to follow my lovely friend Kaylyn and it didnt allow me to follow with just my twitter, or so i thought. SO i signed in with my google connect, which then told me, 
  " hey guess what, you now have a blogspot"
ok, it didn't really say that... exactly. but you get the idea.
  i currently have no theme. no idea as to what i want to post about all the time
off the top of my head i think i might make this about hair. because hair is what i do and love.


speaking of hair.. today i brought mine back to a blondish hue ( its been red since september.)
but since i am impatient i highlighted it myself.. and it almost turned out great... almost.
 see, i have this 'holiday'  a holiday is a patch of hair, traditionally at the root,  that ends up the wrong color.
so, right in the front, i have this patch of platinum blond root, and red hair strands... this bothers me. and it looks bad. atrocious really.
but i have already washed my hair TWICE today and i can't bring myself to wash it again.
   see, i have this 'thing' about washing my hair more than once a week. 1) its not good for the hair to be washed too often and 2) i simply can't be bothered to wash my hair when i shower at 3:10 a.m


so here begins my journey back to being a blond.. my natural color and the color Luke votes for the least. ( for someone  all about natural he is surprisingly vocal about me keeping up the red)
and maybe someday i'll tell the story of how i needed to become a redhead, if only for a brief amount a weeks and then liked it so much i kept it going.