full of love

sometimes i forget that God created me special.
Sometimes i forget that i'm not the same as everybody else.
Thats the problem with being and individual in a cooker cutter world, sometimes its easier to " fit in" and be like everyone else than it is to stand out.
     Standing out can be scary.
But blending in can become to tiring.
Life has been really great lately, and i've been learning tons and tons of new things, but i have also just been feeling weary, and i couldn't put my finger on why.

Yesterday at church i was speaking with a man who has an unusual profession, its all about healing holistically and finding energy spots. which would seem to be a bit new age-y and weird if he didn't also have a strong back round as a pastor.  Its a belief that God made our bodies special, and that there are energy pathways that sometimes get disconnected. Some of his success stories include helping people who have been in a coma for 26 years regain motion and speech,  think of it as physical therapy without the physical part. its a more complete form of healing. He is also a very intuitive person, something i think you have to be in that field, and he is trained as a massage therapist which gives him insight into the muscular structure and how it works.

   Basically all that to say this, in chatting with him i made the off-handed comment about how much i loved and adored my brother and his fiance, and he turned to me and simply said, " yes, i can see that." " you are full of it" and i asked " full of what?" to which he replied " full of love" " you are full of it, its what you're made of. People are lucky to have you as a friend"

  and i almost started crying right there. because i feel so often insecure about my friendships, and that people only spend time with me because i pursue them...i've never thought to myself, wow that so and so is lucky to have a friend like me. i've always thought, man, i wish i were a better friend.  i wish  i loved more.  And then it dawned on me... i know i am filled with love. i love deeply, quickly and for forever. but i have spent the last few years building up walls, to prevent me from loving, to prevent me from hurting, to keep me safe. and its making me weary.

 If God created me to love, than what am i doing trying not to love?

i want to get to the place where i love without thought of return, that i love without fear of hurt. I believe that i can love without getting hurt if i look at and love people through true expectations. I'm sure this doesn't make much sense, but to me it makes so much.  I have been wasting tons of time and energy trying to be something i'm not.

 and that needs to stop.