here i sit, on the couch,
where i have been for approximately 6 hours,
alternating between sleep, movie watching, and eating.
i am in full on recovery mode, hoping to kick this cold that has stolen upon me so suddenly.
if not for some unfinished business, i wouldn't have even ventured from my house on this magical, snowy morning for church, so miserable did i feel..
but i had something to take care of, before the end of this year. and it had to be done today.
and even though my body is weary, and my lungs strained, i finally, am free.
the redemptive nature of repentance once again has left me with praise on my lips for a Savior who loves even when i do not.
a Savior who forgives, even when i do not
a Savior who forgets my sin, even when i cannot at times.
its a beautiful thing, to be loved so deeply, a love i take for granted far to often...
But it makes me excited for 2013, to see what God has in store...
i have started my list of new years resolutions... and its getting exciting... after a very rough and emotional december, i, finally, am excited.
see you soon 2013. see you soon.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
tears cleanse the heart, tears cleanse the soul
i wish i could write you, or talk to you or anything... but i can't.
you've cut off contact.
you wont allow it.
and at first i was so mad. i was so mad at you.
how dare you cut me out like that?
just a quick explanation and that was all.
and you looked so smug, so smug standing there watching me try and pretend that the words you were saying weren't crushing my heart, trying to desperately keep my face calm.
and i was so angry at my heart, because even though the words you were saying signaled the end, i was drinking in every view of you. memorizing your face, memorizing your smell, looking for differences from when i had seen you last. your eyes were more guarded. your face closed off. and it hurt even more, seeing how badly you didn't want to be there, while all i wanted was for you to keep talking. anything to get an extra moment with you.
then i got mad.
I got even more mad when i saw all that you had given back. things that have no business being with me, they were for you and and their return can only be interpreted as methodically thoughtful in their intent to wound most . you know me best and knew the best way to hurt me the deepest. and so you did.
and so i got mad.
so mad i thought i wouldn't be able to keep it in. i still don't know how i did it. it had to be the grace of God. because the minute you walked out that door i lost all control. the tears started flowing and the anger rippled through me like waves, and suddenly i wanted revenge.
i wanted to hurt you badly and deeply, i wanted to hurt you in a way that you would never recover. i let myself dwell there for a while. i think its the only way i could keep myself functioning in the beginning.. that thought of revenge.
but then sunday came, and a sermon i am not likely to forget any time soon.
God has really been using this theme of unrepentant sin to bring awareness of my shortfalls.
And while i felt justified in my anger, i realized my anger was wrong. and it was sin. and to call it any less wasn't going to help me heal.
and so that marked the day i started to forgive..
and the more i forgive, the more i miss you. and thats the hardest part of walking through this.
because when i was angry, i didn't miss you. when i was angry it was easy.
i want easy. i want to be ok. i want to be over you.
and its only getting worse..
i am dreading the day i accidentally run into you.
i don't think i can handle it.
i don't think i'll survive it.
but at the same time, all i want is to talk to you. to find out how you are, to hear about your life. to laugh with you, to make sure you are ok.
i worry about you. all the time.
but its not my place to worry anymore.
and so i am letting go.
or at least trying to.
-Meghan Anne
you've cut off contact.
you wont allow it.
and at first i was so mad. i was so mad at you.
how dare you cut me out like that?
just a quick explanation and that was all.
and you looked so smug, so smug standing there watching me try and pretend that the words you were saying weren't crushing my heart, trying to desperately keep my face calm.
and i was so angry at my heart, because even though the words you were saying signaled the end, i was drinking in every view of you. memorizing your face, memorizing your smell, looking for differences from when i had seen you last. your eyes were more guarded. your face closed off. and it hurt even more, seeing how badly you didn't want to be there, while all i wanted was for you to keep talking. anything to get an extra moment with you.
then i got mad.
I got even more mad when i saw all that you had given back. things that have no business being with me, they were for you and and their return can only be interpreted as methodically thoughtful in their intent to wound most . you know me best and knew the best way to hurt me the deepest. and so you did.
and so i got mad.
so mad i thought i wouldn't be able to keep it in. i still don't know how i did it. it had to be the grace of God. because the minute you walked out that door i lost all control. the tears started flowing and the anger rippled through me like waves, and suddenly i wanted revenge.
i wanted to hurt you badly and deeply, i wanted to hurt you in a way that you would never recover. i let myself dwell there for a while. i think its the only way i could keep myself functioning in the beginning.. that thought of revenge.
but then sunday came, and a sermon i am not likely to forget any time soon.
God has really been using this theme of unrepentant sin to bring awareness of my shortfalls.
And while i felt justified in my anger, i realized my anger was wrong. and it was sin. and to call it any less wasn't going to help me heal.
and so that marked the day i started to forgive..
and the more i forgive, the more i miss you. and thats the hardest part of walking through this.
because when i was angry, i didn't miss you. when i was angry it was easy.
i want easy. i want to be ok. i want to be over you.
and its only getting worse..
i am dreading the day i accidentally run into you.
i don't think i can handle it.
i don't think i'll survive it.
but at the same time, all i want is to talk to you. to find out how you are, to hear about your life. to laugh with you, to make sure you are ok.
i worry about you. all the time.
but its not my place to worry anymore.
and so i am letting go.
or at least trying to.
-Meghan Anne
Sunday, July 15, 2012
gravity is making it hard to fly.
its hard
being caught between the old and the new.
so much of my energy and focus was spent on when we would get back together, that i neglected to think about what life would be like if we didn't. ans then once i did, the damage was done. the mindsets set.
deep down i aways knew we weren't right for each other, but the part of me that refuses to be wrong wouldn't let myself hear it. so i spent way to much time and energy hoping for what would and could never be.
energy and time i could have spent healing, and moving on...
so when i finally realized what exactly i was doing, i had created a whole mountain of baggage for myself to unpack
and thats what i have been doing, for what seems like forever now
unpacking the baggage.
only now, there is someone else involved,
and that makes it all the harder..
because i want to be ok. i want to be able to give him my whole heart, i want to be able to love him freely, but i almost feel like i can't
maybe its fear,
fear of getting hurt.
also a fear of hurting him.
what if i jump in only to find out it IS over my head
what if i make promises i can't keep?
i couldn't live with myself if i did that.
he means too much.
i want to be able to love him for forever
but i'm scared that i can't.
being caught between the old and the new.
so much of my energy and focus was spent on when we would get back together, that i neglected to think about what life would be like if we didn't. ans then once i did, the damage was done. the mindsets set.
deep down i aways knew we weren't right for each other, but the part of me that refuses to be wrong wouldn't let myself hear it. so i spent way to much time and energy hoping for what would and could never be.
energy and time i could have spent healing, and moving on...
so when i finally realized what exactly i was doing, i had created a whole mountain of baggage for myself to unpack
and thats what i have been doing, for what seems like forever now
unpacking the baggage.
only now, there is someone else involved,
and that makes it all the harder..
because i want to be ok. i want to be able to give him my whole heart, i want to be able to love him freely, but i almost feel like i can't
maybe its fear,
fear of getting hurt.
also a fear of hurting him.
what if i jump in only to find out it IS over my head
what if i make promises i can't keep?
i couldn't live with myself if i did that.
he means too much.
i want to be able to love him for forever
but i'm scared that i can't.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Yoga for the Soul
I feel as though what i am walking through can best be described as Yoga for the soul. Stretching that is pulling me so far beyond the bounds of any stretch i have experienced. But its a good stretch. a stretch i feel like God has been preparing me for for months.
this stretch is so much more than surrender. its so much more than intimacy. This is everything. This is me laying down all i used to know about me, all i used to be and all i care to be, and fulling seeing the world and myself through new eyes. Through a God-filter if you will.
I never realized how much i struggled with insecurity and my identity until i started walking through this sabbatical and really pursued discipleship and growth. And i realized that my insecurities are at the heart of my struggling relationships- with God, with Family, with Friends.
i struggle. in all of those area's. and i don't want to struggle any more
i'm tired of telling myself that if i could just be more put-together, funnier or wittier, than everything will just work out. the truth of that is that it wont.
the truth simply is, i need to love me, and understand that i am worth loving. and to internalize that GOD loves ME, that i am worth it to him, and that all this striving, all its doing is just putting up a fake front. A veneer... a shadow of who i really am and it doesn't allow for real friendships.
so it ends.
this fake-ness.
this is me being vulnerable
this is me letting down my guard
this is me tearing down the walls that keep me separate
and it is hard.
this stretch is so much more than surrender. its so much more than intimacy. This is everything. This is me laying down all i used to know about me, all i used to be and all i care to be, and fulling seeing the world and myself through new eyes. Through a God-filter if you will.
I never realized how much i struggled with insecurity and my identity until i started walking through this sabbatical and really pursued discipleship and growth. And i realized that my insecurities are at the heart of my struggling relationships- with God, with Family, with Friends.
i struggle. in all of those area's. and i don't want to struggle any more
i'm tired of telling myself that if i could just be more put-together, funnier or wittier, than everything will just work out. the truth of that is that it wont.
the truth simply is, i need to love me, and understand that i am worth loving. and to internalize that GOD loves ME, that i am worth it to him, and that all this striving, all its doing is just putting up a fake front. A veneer... a shadow of who i really am and it doesn't allow for real friendships.
so it ends.
this fake-ness.
this is me being vulnerable
this is me letting down my guard
this is me tearing down the walls that keep me separate
and it is hard.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Psalms
145 1 I will extol you, my God and King,
and bless your name forever and ever.
2 2 Every day I will bless you
and praise your name forever and ever.
3 3 Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised,
and his greatness is unsearchable.
8 8 The Lord is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
9 9 The Lord is good to all,
and his mercy is over all that he has made
16 You open your hand;
you satisfy the desire of every living thing.
17 17 The Lord is righteous in all his ways
and kind in all his works.
18 18 The Lord is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.
19 19 He fulfills the desire of those who fear him;
he also hears their cry and saves them.
and bless your name forever and ever.
2 2 Every day I will bless you
and praise your name forever and ever.
3 3 Great is the Lord, and greatly to be praised,
and his greatness is unsearchable.
8 8 The Lord is gracious and merciful,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
9 9 The Lord is good to all,
and his mercy is over all that he has made
16 You open your hand;
you satisfy the desire of every living thing.
17 17 The Lord is righteous in all his ways
and kind in all his works.
18 18 The Lord is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.
19 19 He fulfills the desire of those who fear him;
he also hears their cry and saves them.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Psalms
Psalm 147
Praise the Lord!
For it is good to sing praises to our God;
for it is pleasant,[a] and a song of praise is fitting.
2 The Lord builds up Jerusalem;
he gathers the outcasts of Israel.
3 He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
4 He determines the number of the stars;
he gives to all of them their names.
5 Great is our Lord, and abundant in power;
his understanding is beyond measure.
6 The Lord lifts up the humble;[b]
he casts the wicked to the ground.
For it is good to sing praises to our God;
for it is pleasant,[a] and a song of praise is fitting.
2 The Lord builds up Jerusalem;
he gathers the outcasts of Israel.
3 He heals the brokenhearted
and binds up their wounds.
4 He determines the number of the stars;
he gives to all of them their names.
5 Great is our Lord, and abundant in power;
his understanding is beyond measure.
6 The Lord lifts up the humble;[b]
he casts the wicked to the ground.
7 Sing to the Lord with thanksgiving;
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Fight Of My Life
So this is it.
Putting everything i've known for the past 2 years behind me, every comfort zone, pulled away.
Today I visited another church. Today I let go of Calvary Baptist. It won't be for forever, just 10 short weeks. But I need this solitude. This time away.
you see, i've gotten lost, and i need to find my way back.
My relationship with God isn't where it should or needs to be. I need healing, not only spiritually but emotionally as well. I've been confronting my weaknesses, and let me tell you, it has not been pleasant. But admitting my weakness has enabled me to start the healing process. To finally give up the pretense of having it all together.
Its a relief actually, to finally break down, admit my brokenness and my need for help. I don't imagine the next 10 weeks are going to be easy, in fact, i know i am going to be in the fight of my life. But i'm ready; ready to move on, to heal, to be whole, to deepen my relationship with God, to dig into Him and never let go, To learn how to really put Him first, to destroy once and for all the idols in my life. And so i stand here, staring into the face of what will quite possibly be one of the toughest experiences of my life and simply say " bring it"
and yes i understand that i am a glutton for punishment with that statement,
Putting everything i've known for the past 2 years behind me, every comfort zone, pulled away.
Today I visited another church. Today I let go of Calvary Baptist. It won't be for forever, just 10 short weeks. But I need this solitude. This time away.
you see, i've gotten lost, and i need to find my way back.
My relationship with God isn't where it should or needs to be. I need healing, not only spiritually but emotionally as well. I've been confronting my weaknesses, and let me tell you, it has not been pleasant. But admitting my weakness has enabled me to start the healing process. To finally give up the pretense of having it all together.
Its a relief actually, to finally break down, admit my brokenness and my need for help. I don't imagine the next 10 weeks are going to be easy, in fact, i know i am going to be in the fight of my life. But i'm ready; ready to move on, to heal, to be whole, to deepen my relationship with God, to dig into Him and never let go, To learn how to really put Him first, to destroy once and for all the idols in my life. And so i stand here, staring into the face of what will quite possibly be one of the toughest experiences of my life and simply say " bring it"
and yes i understand that i am a glutton for punishment with that statement,
Friday, January 13, 2012
broken?
sometimes i wonder if m broke me...
what if i can never feel again? thats how i feel sometimes.
like i am broken. irrevocably broken.
Recently i had the extreme fortune to meet one of the most amazing of men, he intrigued me from the moment he stepped through my friends doorway, and i remember thinking to myself, " i must meet this man".
So i did.
And i thought he was hilarious, and witty and fun to talk to. Definitely someone worth getting to know. So image my pleasure and surprise when just a mere 2 days later he asked me out on a lovely date,
i was hooked, so of course i agreed to a second...
and thats when i started to realize i might be broken...
There i was, on probably the most romantic date i had ever been on in my life, and instead feeling more for him, i felt less.
But i wasn't ready to be done. i wasn't ready to give up.
so i tried something new..
complete and utter honesty.
it was hard, communication has always been a struggle for me, and to be so open with someone i was just getting to know was even harder.
but it was so worth it.
we had a completely open and honest conversation, and he said that he'd like to continue, even though i might only be able to give him friendship in the end.
seriously, what a guy. so patient and gracious.
fast forward a little more than a month, and i found myself with the same reaction.
Valuing him highly as a person and a friend, but no more.
it was the hardest thing, breaking it off.. with someone i'd grown to value and appreciate and respect.
i don't laugh with many people, and he made me laugh.
So i wonder if maybe i'm broken. that maybe somewhere in the healing process i taught my heart not to feel...
the simplest answer is that it just wasn't right, not meant to be, thats why i didn't develop any more feelings for him
but part of me can't help but wonder...
did m break me for good?
what if i can never feel again? thats how i feel sometimes.
like i am broken. irrevocably broken.
Recently i had the extreme fortune to meet one of the most amazing of men, he intrigued me from the moment he stepped through my friends doorway, and i remember thinking to myself, " i must meet this man".
So i did.
And i thought he was hilarious, and witty and fun to talk to. Definitely someone worth getting to know. So image my pleasure and surprise when just a mere 2 days later he asked me out on a lovely date,
i was hooked, so of course i agreed to a second...
and thats when i started to realize i might be broken...
There i was, on probably the most romantic date i had ever been on in my life, and instead feeling more for him, i felt less.
But i wasn't ready to be done. i wasn't ready to give up.
so i tried something new..
complete and utter honesty.
it was hard, communication has always been a struggle for me, and to be so open with someone i was just getting to know was even harder.
but it was so worth it.
we had a completely open and honest conversation, and he said that he'd like to continue, even though i might only be able to give him friendship in the end.
seriously, what a guy. so patient and gracious.
fast forward a little more than a month, and i found myself with the same reaction.
Valuing him highly as a person and a friend, but no more.
it was the hardest thing, breaking it off.. with someone i'd grown to value and appreciate and respect.
i don't laugh with many people, and he made me laugh.
So i wonder if maybe i'm broken. that maybe somewhere in the healing process i taught my heart not to feel...
the simplest answer is that it just wasn't right, not meant to be, thats why i didn't develop any more feelings for him
but part of me can't help but wonder...
did m break me for good?
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