I feel as though what i am walking through can best be described as Yoga for the soul. Stretching that is pulling me so far beyond the bounds of any stretch i have experienced. But its a good stretch. a stretch i feel like God has been preparing me for for months.
this stretch is so much more than surrender. its so much more than intimacy. This is everything. This is me laying down all i used to know about me, all i used to be and all i care to be, and fulling seeing the world and myself through new eyes. Through a God-filter if you will.
I never realized how much i struggled with insecurity and my identity until i started walking through this sabbatical and really pursued discipleship and growth. And i realized that my insecurities are at the heart of my struggling relationships- with God, with Family, with Friends.
i struggle. in all of those area's. and i don't want to struggle any more
i'm tired of telling myself that if i could just be more put-together, funnier or wittier, than everything will just work out. the truth of that is that it wont.
the truth simply is, i need to love me, and understand that i am worth loving. and to internalize that GOD loves ME, that i am worth it to him, and that all this striving, all its doing is just putting up a fake front. A veneer... a shadow of who i really am and it doesn't allow for real friendships.
so it ends.
this fake-ness.
this is me being vulnerable
this is me letting down my guard
this is me tearing down the walls that keep me separate
and it is hard.
