i wish i could write you, or talk to you or anything... but i can't.
you've cut off contact.
you wont allow it.
and at first i was so mad. i was so mad at you.
how dare you cut me out like that?
just a quick explanation and that was all.
and you looked so smug, so smug standing there watching me try and pretend that the words you were saying weren't crushing my heart, trying to desperately keep my face calm.
and i was so angry at my heart, because even though the words you were saying signaled the end, i was drinking in every view of you. memorizing your face, memorizing your smell, looking for differences from when i had seen you last. your eyes were more guarded. your face closed off. and it hurt even more, seeing how badly you didn't want to be there, while all i wanted was for you to keep talking. anything to get an extra moment with you.
then i got mad.
I got even more mad when i saw all that you had given back. things that have no business being with me, they were for you and and their return can only be interpreted as methodically thoughtful in their intent to wound most . you know me best and knew the best way to hurt me the deepest. and so you did.
and so i got mad.
so mad i thought i wouldn't be able to keep it in. i still don't know how i did it. it had to be the grace of God. because the minute you walked out that door i lost all control. the tears started flowing and the anger rippled through me like waves, and suddenly i wanted revenge.
i wanted to hurt you badly and deeply, i wanted to hurt you in a way that you would never recover. i let myself dwell there for a while. i think its the only way i could keep myself functioning in the beginning.. that thought of revenge.
but then sunday came, and a sermon i am not likely to forget any time soon.
God has really been using this theme of unrepentant sin to bring awareness of my shortfalls.
And while i felt justified in my anger, i realized my anger was wrong. and it was sin. and to call it any less wasn't going to help me heal.
and so that marked the day i started to forgive..
and the more i forgive, the more i miss you. and thats the hardest part of walking through this.
because when i was angry, i didn't miss you. when i was angry it was easy.
i want easy. i want to be ok. i want to be over you.
and its only getting worse..
i am dreading the day i accidentally run into you.
i don't think i can handle it.
i don't think i'll survive it.
but at the same time, all i want is to talk to you. to find out how you are, to hear about your life. to laugh with you, to make sure you are ok.
i worry about you. all the time.
but its not my place to worry anymore.
and so i am letting go.
or at least trying to.
-Meghan Anne
