This long absence has created an intense desire for me to blog more frequently, about what, I'm not sure. But i am confident i will get there. 
 My fingers have been itching to get back to the gentle click of the keyboard as i put my thoughts out for the world to see.
its been an interesting year, this 28.
     
      A lot of self-discovery, a lot of sadness, a lot of peace. there has been joy, hope, laughter, crushes, disappointment, despair, beauty, curiosity,  vacation, and adventures.
   I feel settled and safe. which is such a new feeling. i also feel discontent and afraid for the future, because i have no idea what I'm doing. 
  
 I've come to terms with the fact that this southern girl has acclimated to the North and has become a masshole in my driving. Something i was horrified to realize, but its true.

       I got to experience the first glances of a budding crush, and the slow steady fall as i got to know him better... it was never going to last, but it was good. so good, while it lasted. i think the best part is that it had a natural ending, so natural. there was no heartbreak for either of us, no hurt feelings, just a simple realization of two people in different places in life. But so fun while it lasted, that it sometimes makes me wish it could have lasted longer. it was a time of self-discovery for me, a time of healing, and a realization that i was not, in-fact, irreparably broken, and that i could feel. That it was possible. It was fun because there wasn't anything set in stone, no rules, no expectations. it was, to use a word; freedom in the best sense. and i was so thankful for it.  But, as with all things, you can only break from your natural self for so long, and my true nature won out. I am an all or nothing kind of girl, i like rules, i like expectations, i like knowing the unknown. and so it was, one morning i woke up and realized i needed to go back to all or nothing, and surprisingly, i chose nothing.

   I'm growing up... i can see it with each glance in the mirror, but for the first time; I'm OK with it.

           I'm struggling, and for the first time i am not beating myself up for it. Not putting unrealistic expectations on myself, just letting myself work through this time of unbelief. knowing that God's love is big, and that His Mercy is strong and I'll find my way back.  I'm not making myself go through the motions, but daily seeking to be real, to be honest with what i am working with, dealing with and trying to create something based not on feeling but on the slow, steady, constant love of God. Because, Love is not a feeling, its an verb. It's action, It's living and breathing.It's  each day, good or bad. and I don't want a love based on feeling. I want a love based on action.

So i guess this is what my fingers were itching to write.  Not as cohesive as i would have liked, but me. Honest and open. 

Chartreuse kumquat

  i am sitting in my living room with sand still between my toes and my skin tinged pink by the sun.
 i have spent a perfect day outside amongst friends and eating yummy food.
 to an outsider, none of this would be particularly extraordinary or exciting, but for me it was perfection.  
think on this, an afternoon spent out of doors, feeling the sun kiss our cheeks and laugher flowing from our lips, the perfect afternoon. a small backyard full of people, food overflowing the tables, a great day to start up the grill and have those first, oft anticipated, grilled meats of the spring, signifying that winter, indeed, has ended. 

   pale white skin, used to the dark winter sun is often forgotten about as we spend our time eating and laughing and its only when we feel that faint heat creep up that we remember, and we know we'll cary the mark of this afternoon for a few days, but no one really seems to mind.
   we hear a bird sing a sweet song, which is then repeated by one of our number, and they sing to each other, back and forth. 

we've gathered for a meeting, to bring a stronger unity to the worship team at our church. a time to be together, worship together, pray together, and, just simply be. and we were blessed by a beautiful day and a lovely yard in which to spend it. its humbling really, to be a part of this group. the collective tallent i was surrounded by is always breathtaking to me, and i love to see them at their work. today was no different, even in its simplicity of an acoustic guitar and voices, simply beautiful. worshiping God, loving each other. 

   its reminded me how thankful i am, for this time, this place, this church that i am a part of. as many of you know, its been a long and dark winter, but praise God, winter has ended and with the bloom of spring God has brought me to a place of contentment. a friend challenged me the other day when i said content, almost seeing it as complacent, so we looked up and the definition of content is satisfied. and thats exactly what i am, satisfied. its such a change from where i've been. always wanting to be somewhere else in life, always wanting that next step, but i have been actively trying to let go of that. to live each day, love the moment i am in and to be content in that. i still have me dreams and aspirations, never fear, but the general discontent of life itself is gone.  its a beautiful thing, this peace. so much anxiety, so much stress, simply gone.. and i know everyday wont be like this, but for now, this is enough.

the start of Holy week

For some reason, i found myself with lots of extra time at the beginning of this week and instead of being productive with it, i took my Bella-girl out for walks at the beach.

We also had a morning where we did coffee and the beach.

here are some pictures of what i am calling the start of Holy week

smell smell smell

peaceful morning

blue skies 

                                             All of my loves in one picture. coffee, pup, and the beach

just two ladies, chilling at the beach

clear skies to clear the mind

found snow in the woods while walking. the same week as all of these pictures

 i love the beach

and then i thought i would throw in a picture of my new haircut.

cut and colored by yours truly.

foggy bottom.

     Sometimes writing is like taking a long drink from a cold glass of water, it quenches the thirst.
 i've had the thirst for a few days now, but have not slowed down enough to gather my thoughts into coherent words.

    its spring time.. days are longer and the sun is shinning more.. but the temperature still speaks of winter, with whispers of spring at midday. we got snow this week, and it was not welcome. This coming from me, who loves and adores snow and all the wonderful things snow brings with it. But i am ready for spring, for summer, and this snow, it came too late. my heart got what it longs for most, but i had already moved on.

    despite the snow, this week was a good week, it held some unexpected surprises, and i'm still not sure what to think of them. but i am allowing myself to enjoy the surprises, in this moment. 
   A few weeks ago, i finally had enough, and i chopped all my hair off... 4 years i had been growing it out. 4 years i had been clinging to the idea that if i could just grow my hair long enough...
      and the truth simply is that there is no magic in long hair. Long hair doesn't make things different. Long hair doesn't make me different. I am me, and nothing external will change that.

   Although, i am grateful for the long period of growing. In the time that i was growing out my hair, i explored me... without the outlet of changing my hair every few weeks, i had to learn to accept myself. I had to learn to be ok with seeing the same thing in the mirror every morning...i could no longer hide behind my many changing colors or cuts.. i had to stand on my own strength...
 i was timid, wondering if people would still find me interesting. at first i wondered if i would just fade into the backround, afraid people would forget about me because i always looked the same. i should have had more faith in my friends, i should have known that they weren't around for the show, that they were around for me. But, i had to learn. by accepting myself, i have allowed myself to be accepted.

       at the same time, in cutting my hair off, i found a freedom...its like a weight has been lifted. Ever since January i have been coming out of this fog, where i have inadvertently lived for years. with each passing week, its as though my vision gets a little more clear, and i find myself astounded with how clouded i had allowed myself to become.  God is moving, and God is growing. i wouldn't trade my time in the fog, because God used it to teach me some big things, But i am so glad its lifting. So glad for the freedom, so happy for the clarity.
it.  is.  beautiful.

Praise God. 

Cello Love

the days are still grey, short and dreary, but i've been taking my vitamin D and soaking up the momentary glimpses of sunshine that peek through the clouds from time to time.
  I also spent a good few days last week forcing myself to get out and socialize with people, which did wonders for my attitude. I found that i was not becoming an introvert as feared. phew!      
              
      i do find solace in the fact that i can now enjoy my own company. I thought that might never happen. But its also left me this week antsy with boredom ... after spending so much time pulling out of nights out and group time, i find myself longing for evenings out, something i find quite refreshing.

 Currently i am sitting at gusto working and listening to some simply fabulous music on pandora,  enjoying some forbidden tiramisu( dairy! uh oh) for dinner along with a decaff coffee to compliment, it makes for an altogether lovely evening. 
  
Wednesday nights are always tricky, they fall right in the middle of the week ( funny how that happens) and they are the weeknight that most of my friends are busiest and i am the freest. This is a newer development though, as i used to work late on wednesdays and then pretty much go straight to babysitting after. Its weird, feeling like i should be doing something even though i know i'm free. I keep having moments of panic that i am not where i should be or that i am forgetting something. 

 Pandora has been killing it with the music selection today, its giving me tons of songs covered by strings and piano and its making me want to learn the Cello so badly,  wow. its so beautiful. reminding me that i need to be playing more frequently, practicing and learning. i love learning, i need to keep stretching my brain. 

its an amazing thing, music.

grey

these grey days are getting the best of me i fear...
 i can feel it..
the desire to hibernate, to never get out of bed..
i'm going through an introverted season
 and the extravert that i am doesn't know how to cope..

i'm out of my element...
i don't like being introverted, but its all i want these days.
talking to people, being around people, is draining.
i long for the days of being energized by groups of people, or by just being out in public.
i think its because i've lost my routine...
so this morning, this morning i forced myself to get up, to get out of bed...
and then i met a friend at the gym... and i feel a little more normal...
i'm going to take this slowly, because i don't want to over-load myself...
but i know i can conquer these grey days.. i just have try.

Lent

Observing Lent is a relatively new thing for me, i don't have much memory of it prior to 2008 when i moved North and the girls at my cosmetology school were talking about it ( as the good catholic's they were)   It was surprising to me, this discovery of Lent, and quite honestly i didn't think much of it.   I was surrounded by Catholic's and they all were observing Lent because they were catholic, and thats what Catholic's do. Except, nothing else in their lives led me to believe they followed Christ. Not that i am one to judge, and i don't make any claims to being perfect, but the stories i heard from them about their after-school activities, painted a very different picture than the devoted Catholic or Christ-Follower.

   So i wrote of Lent, thinking it was a silly tradition that need not be followed.

Fast forward to 2011 and suddenly all around me my fellow Christ-Followers are talking about Lent and observing it. Naturally i was intrigued, and so i asked questions, and i observed...
I discovered that Lent it about fasting, and drawing closer to Christ as we move closer to Easter. It's a preparation of our hearts to Celebrate Christ's resurrection.

And so, after years of saying i could never give anything up for that long,  i have finally decided to observe lent.

I am cutting out social media and TV, because i have found of late that it's consuming my life. And i want my life to be consumed with Christ. 

I went on a church retreat a few weekends ago, and i left my phone in my room for much of the weekend, and i found that i was at peace, for the first time in a long while. I long for that to be the every day. To be freed from the grip social media has on me, that i've allowed it to have on me.
So, starting today, no Facebook, no Twitter, No Hulu, No Netflix, no TV. I am allowed social tv watching ( my roommate and i have people over to watch a few shows during the week, and since its a time of fellowship, i feel that its ok to continue to watch those shows)

My goal is to 1) draw closer to Christ by cutting out distractions , 2) build up better friendships because i will have to be more intentional about contacting my friends. no relying on facebook or twitter to tell me what they are up to and 3) to hopefully cleanse myself of my crazy need to put up every thought and action on the web.

i will continue to check my email, and i will continue to blog as i see the need, but everything else, everything else i let go.

so here it goes...

What are you giving up for lent, and why?

Learning to Abide

 I think the hardest thing about discipline is that satan knows when you are serious about kicking your sin to the curb. he knows the difference between a half hearted " i need more Jesus" and a " get out of my way, i NEED more Jesus", and he throws down the gauntlet when he sees we are serious.
 I feel like i have been begging God to help me overcome in one specific area in my  life, and i am so weary of fighting, so weary of feeling like i was losing ground. 2 steps forward, 5 steps back... and today it occurred to me; its not that God isn't listening... it's simply, as i am fighting to draw nearer to God, as i embrace sanctification, conviction and repentance, satan is raining down a firestorm trying to get me to give up.
and i will be honest, before today, i was ready to give up.
i am weary
i am tired
and i just want the fight to be over
i have no strength left in me to conquer this
i have been begging and begging God for divine intervention
for Him to just "fix it" and be done
but none of that has happend

but now i feel like i have a new perspective, and a new hope.
In Christ i find the strength to fight another day, to not give in. no surrender.
Because He has called me to this moment, He has called me to Himself.
And as i draw nearer and nearer to Him, satan is going to be pushing back, hard.
so, suddenly, i feel like i am on the right track, like maybe i am on the verge of winning this battle...
and for the first time in a long time, there is hope.

and so i work on this discipline
and i repent almost hourly for my sin
and i surrender
and i abide, knowing that as long as my focus stays on Him, i will survive.  come what may.