the start of Holy week

For some reason, i found myself with lots of extra time at the beginning of this week and instead of being productive with it, i took my Bella-girl out for walks at the beach.

We also had a morning where we did coffee and the beach.

here are some pictures of what i am calling the start of Holy week

smell smell smell

peaceful morning

blue skies 

                                             All of my loves in one picture. coffee, pup, and the beach

just two ladies, chilling at the beach

clear skies to clear the mind

found snow in the woods while walking. the same week as all of these pictures

 i love the beach

and then i thought i would throw in a picture of my new haircut.

cut and colored by yours truly.

foggy bottom.

     Sometimes writing is like taking a long drink from a cold glass of water, it quenches the thirst.
 i've had the thirst for a few days now, but have not slowed down enough to gather my thoughts into coherent words.

    its spring time.. days are longer and the sun is shinning more.. but the temperature still speaks of winter, with whispers of spring at midday. we got snow this week, and it was not welcome. This coming from me, who loves and adores snow and all the wonderful things snow brings with it. But i am ready for spring, for summer, and this snow, it came too late. my heart got what it longs for most, but i had already moved on.

    despite the snow, this week was a good week, it held some unexpected surprises, and i'm still not sure what to think of them. but i am allowing myself to enjoy the surprises, in this moment. 
   A few weeks ago, i finally had enough, and i chopped all my hair off... 4 years i had been growing it out. 4 years i had been clinging to the idea that if i could just grow my hair long enough...
      and the truth simply is that there is no magic in long hair. Long hair doesn't make things different. Long hair doesn't make me different. I am me, and nothing external will change that.

   Although, i am grateful for the long period of growing. In the time that i was growing out my hair, i explored me... without the outlet of changing my hair every few weeks, i had to learn to accept myself. I had to learn to be ok with seeing the same thing in the mirror every morning...i could no longer hide behind my many changing colors or cuts.. i had to stand on my own strength...
 i was timid, wondering if people would still find me interesting. at first i wondered if i would just fade into the backround, afraid people would forget about me because i always looked the same. i should have had more faith in my friends, i should have known that they weren't around for the show, that they were around for me. But, i had to learn. by accepting myself, i have allowed myself to be accepted.

       at the same time, in cutting my hair off, i found a freedom...its like a weight has been lifted. Ever since January i have been coming out of this fog, where i have inadvertently lived for years. with each passing week, its as though my vision gets a little more clear, and i find myself astounded with how clouded i had allowed myself to become.  God is moving, and God is growing. i wouldn't trade my time in the fog, because God used it to teach me some big things, But i am so glad its lifting. So glad for the freedom, so happy for the clarity.
it.  is.  beautiful.

Praise God. 

Cello Love

the days are still grey, short and dreary, but i've been taking my vitamin D and soaking up the momentary glimpses of sunshine that peek through the clouds from time to time.
  I also spent a good few days last week forcing myself to get out and socialize with people, which did wonders for my attitude. I found that i was not becoming an introvert as feared. phew!      
              
      i do find solace in the fact that i can now enjoy my own company. I thought that might never happen. But its also left me this week antsy with boredom ... after spending so much time pulling out of nights out and group time, i find myself longing for evenings out, something i find quite refreshing.

 Currently i am sitting at gusto working and listening to some simply fabulous music on pandora,  enjoying some forbidden tiramisu( dairy! uh oh) for dinner along with a decaff coffee to compliment, it makes for an altogether lovely evening. 
  
Wednesday nights are always tricky, they fall right in the middle of the week ( funny how that happens) and they are the weeknight that most of my friends are busiest and i am the freest. This is a newer development though, as i used to work late on wednesdays and then pretty much go straight to babysitting after. Its weird, feeling like i should be doing something even though i know i'm free. I keep having moments of panic that i am not where i should be or that i am forgetting something. 

 Pandora has been killing it with the music selection today, its giving me tons of songs covered by strings and piano and its making me want to learn the Cello so badly,  wow. its so beautiful. reminding me that i need to be playing more frequently, practicing and learning. i love learning, i need to keep stretching my brain. 

its an amazing thing, music.

grey

these grey days are getting the best of me i fear...
 i can feel it..
the desire to hibernate, to never get out of bed..
i'm going through an introverted season
 and the extravert that i am doesn't know how to cope..

i'm out of my element...
i don't like being introverted, but its all i want these days.
talking to people, being around people, is draining.
i long for the days of being energized by groups of people, or by just being out in public.
i think its because i've lost my routine...
so this morning, this morning i forced myself to get up, to get out of bed...
and then i met a friend at the gym... and i feel a little more normal...
i'm going to take this slowly, because i don't want to over-load myself...
but i know i can conquer these grey days.. i just have try.