foggy bottom.

     Sometimes writing is like taking a long drink from a cold glass of water, it quenches the thirst.
 i've had the thirst for a few days now, but have not slowed down enough to gather my thoughts into coherent words.

    its spring time.. days are longer and the sun is shinning more.. but the temperature still speaks of winter, with whispers of spring at midday. we got snow this week, and it was not welcome. This coming from me, who loves and adores snow and all the wonderful things snow brings with it. But i am ready for spring, for summer, and this snow, it came too late. my heart got what it longs for most, but i had already moved on.

    despite the snow, this week was a good week, it held some unexpected surprises, and i'm still not sure what to think of them. but i am allowing myself to enjoy the surprises, in this moment. 
   A few weeks ago, i finally had enough, and i chopped all my hair off... 4 years i had been growing it out. 4 years i had been clinging to the idea that if i could just grow my hair long enough...
      and the truth simply is that there is no magic in long hair. Long hair doesn't make things different. Long hair doesn't make me different. I am me, and nothing external will change that.

   Although, i am grateful for the long period of growing. In the time that i was growing out my hair, i explored me... without the outlet of changing my hair every few weeks, i had to learn to accept myself. I had to learn to be ok with seeing the same thing in the mirror every morning...i could no longer hide behind my many changing colors or cuts.. i had to stand on my own strength...
 i was timid, wondering if people would still find me interesting. at first i wondered if i would just fade into the backround, afraid people would forget about me because i always looked the same. i should have had more faith in my friends, i should have known that they weren't around for the show, that they were around for me. But, i had to learn. by accepting myself, i have allowed myself to be accepted.

       at the same time, in cutting my hair off, i found a freedom...its like a weight has been lifted. Ever since January i have been coming out of this fog, where i have inadvertently lived for years. with each passing week, its as though my vision gets a little more clear, and i find myself astounded with how clouded i had allowed myself to become.  God is moving, and God is growing. i wouldn't trade my time in the fog, because God used it to teach me some big things, But i am so glad its lifting. So glad for the freedom, so happy for the clarity.
it.  is.  beautiful.

Praise God.