This long absence has created an intense desire for me to blog more frequently, about what, I'm not sure. But i am confident i will get there. 
 My fingers have been itching to get back to the gentle click of the keyboard as i put my thoughts out for the world to see.
its been an interesting year, this 28.
     
      A lot of self-discovery, a lot of sadness, a lot of peace. there has been joy, hope, laughter, crushes, disappointment, despair, beauty, curiosity,  vacation, and adventures.
   I feel settled and safe. which is such a new feeling. i also feel discontent and afraid for the future, because i have no idea what I'm doing. 
  
 I've come to terms with the fact that this southern girl has acclimated to the North and has become a masshole in my driving. Something i was horrified to realize, but its true.

       I got to experience the first glances of a budding crush, and the slow steady fall as i got to know him better... it was never going to last, but it was good. so good, while it lasted. i think the best part is that it had a natural ending, so natural. there was no heartbreak for either of us, no hurt feelings, just a simple realization of two people in different places in life. But so fun while it lasted, that it sometimes makes me wish it could have lasted longer. it was a time of self-discovery for me, a time of healing, and a realization that i was not, in-fact, irreparably broken, and that i could feel. That it was possible. It was fun because there wasn't anything set in stone, no rules, no expectations. it was, to use a word; freedom in the best sense. and i was so thankful for it.  But, as with all things, you can only break from your natural self for so long, and my true nature won out. I am an all or nothing kind of girl, i like rules, i like expectations, i like knowing the unknown. and so it was, one morning i woke up and realized i needed to go back to all or nothing, and surprisingly, i chose nothing.

   I'm growing up... i can see it with each glance in the mirror, but for the first time; I'm OK with it.

           I'm struggling, and for the first time i am not beating myself up for it. Not putting unrealistic expectations on myself, just letting myself work through this time of unbelief. knowing that God's love is big, and that His Mercy is strong and I'll find my way back.  I'm not making myself go through the motions, but daily seeking to be real, to be honest with what i am working with, dealing with and trying to create something based not on feeling but on the slow, steady, constant love of God. Because, Love is not a feeling, its an verb. It's action, It's living and breathing.It's  each day, good or bad. and I don't want a love based on feeling. I want a love based on action.

So i guess this is what my fingers were itching to write.  Not as cohesive as i would have liked, but me. Honest and open.