One of the best things about having a fairly unknown blog is that it gives me the freedom to write my thoughts. Now, I know you must be thinking, ' but isn't that what blogs are for'?  True, but, if you happen to be me, or like me, the idea of actually sharing your real thoughts is terrifying and borderline impossible to do.

   So this blog is my one chance at freedom- I've even caught myself spinning the truth in my journal entries in case someone happens to accidentally read it. Thats a special kind of guarded, wouldn't you say?

I've been all mixed up emotionally lately. Trying to sort MY emotions has never been something I do very well... it took me years to even feel comfortable enough to get acquainted with them, sorting is a whole different ball game.  

I know that i don't feel angsty anymore- all that hurt and confusion and those feelings of rejection and brokenness- i don't feel that anymore. I've been living in a good space, but still something has been off. I've been working on what might be the root, and its a whole combination of things, its the noticeable loss of that angst, I don't have to constantly fight those feelings. Its the struggle at my job, of taking on too much responsibility and constantly feeling overwhelmed, and unable to do the things I ALWAYS do well, well. Its the struggle of my relationships, the NEED to be known, to be LOVED, to be CHERISHED, yet knowing that I withhold so much of myself from people.
    I'm sure the root cause of all of this is a deep rooted fear- Fear of the ultimate rejection from friends, fear of failure at work, fear of not having a back up plan for life, fear of not having a future life plan, fear OF having a plan for life. 

      I've been slowly working at opening up, a few people have noticed, but in all this progress I have been slowly, painfully making, comes a hidden regression... I've been spending time with a guy, and in an attempt to keep fear at bay, have kept things super casual... But, in that attempt at casual, I have lost my ability to communicate my needs- I, who spent years learning how to self advocate in a relationship- have lost my voice.  I don't talk about things that bother me, and I don't take the time to have the conversations I need. I keep it light, and push things under the rug. Its a weird space to be in, because if I just turn off that part of my brain, I could live in this space for longer than would be healthy, because casual is easy, casual is convenient. Casual gives you the illusion of a relationship without having to put in all the extra emotional hours. So for a few brief hours every now and again, I get to pretend. 
          But I'm learning,  I am not a casual dating kind of girl. I am a relationship kind of girl. I need good communication, and emotional support on the really shitty days. I need someone who will ask how I am, on a random day, when we haven't spoken all day, simply because he cares. I need someone who can embrace my loud moments, my quiet moments, my need to always be right, my need to constantly try to control and plan things. I need someone to help me relax,  and to remind me that life isn't work. I need someone willing to embrace my friends, and someone whose friends I can embrace. I need to find my voice again. I need someone I can trust with my thoughts, because the idea of sharing them is so very scary.

These are the things I need. And I know I won't get them from casual dates, every few weeks...But the question to ask, is,  do I want these things with him?