My Diva cup experience

* Warning: This post will be graphic in feminine nature, read at your own risk*

I Learned a valuable lesson this week: " Don't shove things up your vagina, they might get stuck"
  or, in other words-  " one girl's adventure with a diva cup".

  Thats right, I gave the Diva cup a try, and since my momma didn't raise a quitter, I even tried it twice.  I have since, given up.
Sorry Mom.

Now let me preface this by saying that my roommate B and my good friend T LOVE the diva cup, and have been raving about it to me. So after hearing them talk about it, I worked up the courage this cycle to give it a go. I mean, I use tampons, how hard could it really be?
.......

Words cannot even begin to describe my struggle- there was pleading, tears, and for a while I was pretty convinced T would have to actually remove the cup for me, but i'm getting ahead of myself.

                I started out the way I try all new things, foolishly overconfident and sure of myself. The doubt quickly started to set in once I tried to fold the diva cup to insert it. This should have served as a warning sign, but no, I pushed ahead, quite literally.  Determined to get it to work, I finagled that diva cup into my vagina by any means necessary, and then promptly lost it.
      I had apparently been a little 'overzealous' and had inserted it too far up.  I wasn't worried, the directions said this could happen, and to just let gravity do it thing. So I did, and alas, every time I rounded back to check, it was still gone.  I took Bella for a walk, and thankfully, gravity did its thing. " Finally", I thought, " time to get this thing out and try again" ( reference top of the page for my thoughts on quitting).
                      So I reached in, with my pointer and my thumb, as the directions state, to retrieve it. Imagine my surprise when that didn't work.
1) I was having a very hard time gripping the end of the cup, which inhibited by ability to pull it out.
2) By this point I am pretty sure I was stretching my vagina well past what it was accustomed to, and it HURT.

This my friends, is where the panic set it.
     After many a frenzied text to T, and several attempts to pull it out, I took another break. The cup really wasn't harming anything by staying up there, and it seemed like it was working fairly well. Despite my improper insertion.

Stick with me folks, I'm almost done.

Fast forward a few hours and after chatting with B and again with T, I muster up the courage and give it another try, confident in my delusion that it would be a piece of cake.  After several attempts I called to B to give T a call and have her come down ( T lives on the 3rd floor of my building and is a midwife)  After many different attempts, positions, tears, step by step instruction, assurances that my vagina was meant to stretch, I was on the verge of giving up. " its ok," I thought to myself,"i'll just leave it up there for forever, no big deal". At this point, both T and I assumed that she was going to have to 'glove up' and retrieve it for me. But, I wanted to give it one more try, I switched hands, got a good grip, and with the most gut wrenching suction breaking sound, it came out.

what. the. fuck.

the agony.

T calming said " oh, thats known as the ring of fire during labor, you need to just make sure you squeeze the lip of the diva cup when you pull it out so its not so big and painful coming out.

again

what. the. fuck.

But I was free, and most importantly I had done it myself- cue mental high five here.

            What should surprise you most is that this experience did not deter me from wanting to try the diva cup again. Clearly not that very moment, as my lady bits were experience a soreness of epic proportions, but soon.
            The next morning, after a lengthy tutorial from T, I was once again feeling confident and decided to give the cup a second go. There was a small struggle, but easier by far, than the previous day. Although I once again managed to get it a little higher than it was supposed to, at this point the only thing I can imagine is that I have an odd shaped vagina. Why else would I not be able to get it positioned correctly? Either way, I got it in, and mostly in the correct spot.
           Off to work I went, again, over optimistic. It only took a few hours for it to start leaking and for me to discover that I once again, was unable to retrieve the diva cup. Only this time I was at work. As I squatted in the work bathroom trying desperately to remember all the tips T had given me the night before, I promised myself I would give the Diva cup a rest after this. While it still took more time than I would have liked, I was able to, with relative easy retrieve the cup on my on. No I wait patiently for when my cylce once again lines up with my day off so I can attempt this once again.

I must be crazy.

Day off Changes.

Today has been difficult, days off can be for this extreme extrovert. After a go go go schedule, a day off gives me too much brain space to think, to feel, to process. I don't like it.

 I could be the poster child for denial.

I met my bar manager up at Brine in Newburyport for lunch today-That place is Heaven. Their rose sangria is wonderful, and the glasses they serve it in? Everything I could want and more.  We met so we could discuss how I can better help her manage the bar, as I have strong administrative skills and that isn't something she has time for. During lunch she told me she put her in her notice as manager...

 Do I think I have what it takes to fill her shoes? Would I be ready for that? Could I handle it? Do I want it?

I've finally got myself heading in the right direction with my cosmetology license, what would life look like if I were trying to juggle both?

    I  was contacted today about an event coordinator position by some caterers I worked with 2 years ago. They are starting their own company and they remember working with me at a wedding. I remember this couple, they were fantastic to work with, and the wedding could not have gone more smoothly. That could  have been pure dumb luck, or it could have been my skill as an onsite coordinator, we may never know. But I do remember them asking if they could recommend me to any brides they worked with in the future because they were so impressed that day.

 As my dad always says-  Always follow it through to its logical conclusion

This Tuesday gave me lots to ponder, and for once, its not all guy related.

confessions of the overly dramatic

  I have found, that with social media, I tend to be overly emo, or dramtic, about everyday things. This outlet is not good for a soul who is already predisposed to being dramatic <-- Me.

       Been working through some things the past few days, and I have had to stop myself countless times from posting vague and emo facebook status updates or overly dramatic instagram posts.
 I consider this growth, as last year, or the year before, there would have been no " had to stop myself" in that previous sentence. It would have just simply been- "I have been posting".

So instead I post here, because, well, its a way for me to release my thoughts out for all the 'verse to see, ( props if anyone picked up on the firefly reference) yet I don't have to worry about people actually reading it. I know I could take a page out of my friends book and make this blog 100% private, but I wont.  I don't mind the occasional soul stumbling across my ramblings.

Two days ago I took a chance, put myself out there, and it didn't go the way I was expecting. And as much as that makes me sad, I find myself at peace with the outcome. I NEEDED any outcome, because the ambiguous state we had found ourselves was driving me crazy. And as much as i WANTED a different outcome, i find my soul flooded with relief that all the wondering, the questions, the is this, or isn't this, is over. Now I know, and with that knowledge comes peace. Doesn't make it any easier, but, thats okay.

 Today's teaching on shereadstruth.com was on Romans 8:1, and a simple hymn.
  Here's the 4th verse, which I find so perfect for my thoughts today

While I draw this fleeting breath,when mine eyes shall close in death,when I soar to worlds unknown,see thee on thy judgment throne,Rock of Ages, cleft for me,let me hide myself in thee.  

from “Rock of Ages”
Augustus Toplady, 1776

Rock of ages, Cleft for me, Let me hide myself in Thee.
yes.. 

I am not an Island

It has recently come to my attention that I have been living my life as though I am and Island. Alone, self-sustaining, asking help from no one.   And that is all kinds of wrong. I have been co-existing with my roommates, not living in community and fellowship. I have been co-existing with my coworkers, instead of affirming and uplifting them. 
       I am so tired of being an Island. 
I am so tired of living in a home where we function as our own indepent islands, floating around in our own little worlds, saying hi and bye a few times a week in passing.
  I crave community, I crave the messy way families live together, in a jumble of emotions and things and dreams. I miss coming home. Because my house doesn't feel like home. 

Someday, my house will be a home. And it will be a haven for those who need it. It will be a place that calls to the soul and comforts the hurt. It will be filled with laughter and smell like sunshine. 

Someday I will no longer be an island.

One of the best things about having a fairly unknown blog is that it gives me the freedom to write my thoughts. Now, I know you must be thinking, ' but isn't that what blogs are for'?  True, but, if you happen to be me, or like me, the idea of actually sharing your real thoughts is terrifying and borderline impossible to do.

   So this blog is my one chance at freedom- I've even caught myself spinning the truth in my journal entries in case someone happens to accidentally read it. Thats a special kind of guarded, wouldn't you say?

I've been all mixed up emotionally lately. Trying to sort MY emotions has never been something I do very well... it took me years to even feel comfortable enough to get acquainted with them, sorting is a whole different ball game.  

I know that i don't feel angsty anymore- all that hurt and confusion and those feelings of rejection and brokenness- i don't feel that anymore. I've been living in a good space, but still something has been off. I've been working on what might be the root, and its a whole combination of things, its the noticeable loss of that angst, I don't have to constantly fight those feelings. Its the struggle at my job, of taking on too much responsibility and constantly feeling overwhelmed, and unable to do the things I ALWAYS do well, well. Its the struggle of my relationships, the NEED to be known, to be LOVED, to be CHERISHED, yet knowing that I withhold so much of myself from people.
    I'm sure the root cause of all of this is a deep rooted fear- Fear of the ultimate rejection from friends, fear of failure at work, fear of not having a back up plan for life, fear of not having a future life plan, fear OF having a plan for life. 

      I've been slowly working at opening up, a few people have noticed, but in all this progress I have been slowly, painfully making, comes a hidden regression... I've been spending time with a guy, and in an attempt to keep fear at bay, have kept things super casual... But, in that attempt at casual, I have lost my ability to communicate my needs- I, who spent years learning how to self advocate in a relationship- have lost my voice.  I don't talk about things that bother me, and I don't take the time to have the conversations I need. I keep it light, and push things under the rug. Its a weird space to be in, because if I just turn off that part of my brain, I could live in this space for longer than would be healthy, because casual is easy, casual is convenient. Casual gives you the illusion of a relationship without having to put in all the extra emotional hours. So for a few brief hours every now and again, I get to pretend. 
          But I'm learning,  I am not a casual dating kind of girl. I am a relationship kind of girl. I need good communication, and emotional support on the really shitty days. I need someone who will ask how I am, on a random day, when we haven't spoken all day, simply because he cares. I need someone who can embrace my loud moments, my quiet moments, my need to always be right, my need to constantly try to control and plan things. I need someone to help me relax,  and to remind me that life isn't work. I need someone willing to embrace my friends, and someone whose friends I can embrace. I need to find my voice again. I need someone I can trust with my thoughts, because the idea of sharing them is so very scary.

These are the things I need. And I know I won't get them from casual dates, every few weeks...But the question to ask, is,  do I want these things with him?

This long absence has created an intense desire for me to blog more frequently, about what, I'm not sure. But i am confident i will get there. 
 My fingers have been itching to get back to the gentle click of the keyboard as i put my thoughts out for the world to see.
its been an interesting year, this 28.
     
      A lot of self-discovery, a lot of sadness, a lot of peace. there has been joy, hope, laughter, crushes, disappointment, despair, beauty, curiosity,  vacation, and adventures.
   I feel settled and safe. which is such a new feeling. i also feel discontent and afraid for the future, because i have no idea what I'm doing. 
  
 I've come to terms with the fact that this southern girl has acclimated to the North and has become a masshole in my driving. Something i was horrified to realize, but its true.

       I got to experience the first glances of a budding crush, and the slow steady fall as i got to know him better... it was never going to last, but it was good. so good, while it lasted. i think the best part is that it had a natural ending, so natural. there was no heartbreak for either of us, no hurt feelings, just a simple realization of two people in different places in life. But so fun while it lasted, that it sometimes makes me wish it could have lasted longer. it was a time of self-discovery for me, a time of healing, and a realization that i was not, in-fact, irreparably broken, and that i could feel. That it was possible. It was fun because there wasn't anything set in stone, no rules, no expectations. it was, to use a word; freedom in the best sense. and i was so thankful for it.  But, as with all things, you can only break from your natural self for so long, and my true nature won out. I am an all or nothing kind of girl, i like rules, i like expectations, i like knowing the unknown. and so it was, one morning i woke up and realized i needed to go back to all or nothing, and surprisingly, i chose nothing.

   I'm growing up... i can see it with each glance in the mirror, but for the first time; I'm OK with it.

           I'm struggling, and for the first time i am not beating myself up for it. Not putting unrealistic expectations on myself, just letting myself work through this time of unbelief. knowing that God's love is big, and that His Mercy is strong and I'll find my way back.  I'm not making myself go through the motions, but daily seeking to be real, to be honest with what i am working with, dealing with and trying to create something based not on feeling but on the slow, steady, constant love of God. Because, Love is not a feeling, its an verb. It's action, It's living and breathing.It's  each day, good or bad. and I don't want a love based on feeling. I want a love based on action.

So i guess this is what my fingers were itching to write.  Not as cohesive as i would have liked, but me. Honest and open. 

Chartreuse kumquat

  i am sitting in my living room with sand still between my toes and my skin tinged pink by the sun.
 i have spent a perfect day outside amongst friends and eating yummy food.
 to an outsider, none of this would be particularly extraordinary or exciting, but for me it was perfection.  
think on this, an afternoon spent out of doors, feeling the sun kiss our cheeks and laugher flowing from our lips, the perfect afternoon. a small backyard full of people, food overflowing the tables, a great day to start up the grill and have those first, oft anticipated, grilled meats of the spring, signifying that winter, indeed, has ended. 

   pale white skin, used to the dark winter sun is often forgotten about as we spend our time eating and laughing and its only when we feel that faint heat creep up that we remember, and we know we'll cary the mark of this afternoon for a few days, but no one really seems to mind.
   we hear a bird sing a sweet song, which is then repeated by one of our number, and they sing to each other, back and forth. 

we've gathered for a meeting, to bring a stronger unity to the worship team at our church. a time to be together, worship together, pray together, and, just simply be. and we were blessed by a beautiful day and a lovely yard in which to spend it. its humbling really, to be a part of this group. the collective tallent i was surrounded by is always breathtaking to me, and i love to see them at their work. today was no different, even in its simplicity of an acoustic guitar and voices, simply beautiful. worshiping God, loving each other. 

   its reminded me how thankful i am, for this time, this place, this church that i am a part of. as many of you know, its been a long and dark winter, but praise God, winter has ended and with the bloom of spring God has brought me to a place of contentment. a friend challenged me the other day when i said content, almost seeing it as complacent, so we looked up and the definition of content is satisfied. and thats exactly what i am, satisfied. its such a change from where i've been. always wanting to be somewhere else in life, always wanting that next step, but i have been actively trying to let go of that. to live each day, love the moment i am in and to be content in that. i still have me dreams and aspirations, never fear, but the general discontent of life itself is gone.  its a beautiful thing, this peace. so much anxiety, so much stress, simply gone.. and i know everyday wont be like this, but for now, this is enough.